The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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