I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
