I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
