I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Randomize
