I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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