Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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