i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
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