Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
