she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
