i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
