96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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