In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
