if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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