I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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