mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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