Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Alive.
So much puke
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
