I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
