I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
