It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
