you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
