my soul wont recognize me after tonight
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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