someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Sext me about skeletons
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
