What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Randomize
