you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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