i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
