Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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