Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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