PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
