well you can't waste a boner
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
