Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Randomize
