I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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