You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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