He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
