I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
