so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
