he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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