My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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