I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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