I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
