i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Rumble strips road head = magical
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
