Sorry, I don't speak sober.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
