I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It was confusing and full of hummus
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
