when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
