dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
