Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
