I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize