Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
too bad you live with your parents still
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize