The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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