and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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