i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize