I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
