Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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