me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
