I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
