Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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