my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize