I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
