Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
