my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize